Name: rawr

Fanfic Title: My Husband Is A Player

Fanfic URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/mushie16

Reviewer: Dak Angel

Review

Title: 5/5
I can obviously see why you named it the way it is. Of course, it fits with the story. But I was wondering if there’s any other title you could have named it, because I think ‘My Husband Is A Player’ is too formal.
Poster/Background: 3/10
Well, you don’t have a poster, so I guess I have to deduct some points off. Since the story is so long, I think you should have requested for a poster already, unless you just started and wrote that many and haven’t request. But I supposed you don’t have to request. I think it just makes the story look more appealing. Also, I don’t think the background color matches with the story that much.
Forewords: 7/10
You included the characters and a little spoiler of the plot, which most forewords are supposed to have. They introduce the story a little bit, and it also hints whether you have good or bad grammar. It’s also supposed to be interesting, so it can draw the reader in a little bit more. When I read your forewords, I kind of figured that you don’t really have good grammar (and you also stated it). To tell you the truth, your forewords didn’t really catch my attention.
Plot: 11/15
I’ve seen a lot of stories like this already, so I can predict what’s going to happen next. Most parts of your story are predictable, so it turns out to be a little bit boring. You didn’t explain the story quite well. Even though it’s part predictable, it confused me at some parts. I also think that you extended it a lot, which usually loses a lot of readers. If it’s too long, it’s frustrating.
Creativity/Originality: 6/10
Actually, I’ve seen a bunch of stories that are related to this one. There’s a player, he becomes your husband, and then you guys fall in love after spending time with each other. It’s not exciting if it’s predictable. I honestly think you should have made a twist.
Flow: 8/10
At some parts, I think it went by too fast. You should have slowed it down a bit, but at times it’s pretty okay. Also, somehow the story went fast and slow and then back to fast. I think you should read it over again, just to make sure.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/10
Sorry, but I saw A WHOLE BUNCH of grammar problems in here. Also, I think that you shouldn’t abbreviate what you wrote. It doesn’t look professional and looks like you don’t care how you write. Here are some examples:
You put: You smiles and kiss Jaejoong cheek while Jaejoong was driving his eyes widen when you gave him kiss at his cheek and starts blushing while the car ride was all laughing,giggling and talks..
A better way: You smiled and kissed Jaejoong’s cheek while he was driving. His eyes widened when you did, and he started blushing. During the car ride, you guys were laughing, giggling, and talking.
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You put: today is a cheerful sunny day and today is your favorite day wanna know why because you and your Oppas are going to the beach~!!!
A better way: Today is a cheerful, sunny day which is why it is your favorite. Do you want to know why? It’s because you and your Oppas are going to the beach!
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You put: they all start running while you scream and chase them finally you caught your Top Oppa and push him inside and then Yoochun then Seungri lastly Yunho..and all of you starts playing inside the water..
A better way: They all started running while you screamed and chased them. Finally, you caught your Top Oppa and pushed him inside. Yoochun came next, then Seungri, and last Yunho. All of you started playing inside the water.
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You put: When u had your old phone it keeps on ringing and ringing alot of voicemail from Jiyong txt and calls you read the txt and listen to reach voice mail but you always end up erasing it and crying
A better way: When you had your old phone, it kept on ringing and ringing. You also received a lot of voicemails from Jiyong. You read the text and listen to each voice mail, but you always ended up erasing it and crying.
I hope you improve more on your grammar. It would make you more professional.
Characterization: 8/10
You expressed your characters, but not that much. You included them, but didn’t give much detail about their lives. I think that you should have given the reader more details and information about each character.
Writing Style: 7/10
I don’t really mind play-written format. What bothered me was that you didn’t write each word correctly. It seemed that you just wanted to write and get it over with. I’m not really sure that you care about your story. It seemed a little empty, if you’re getting what I say. I think you should read over what you’ve done so far and think about how to make it better.
Overall Enjoyment: 2/5
Like I said a good story doesn’t have a lot of grammar mistakes, isn’t predictable, has a special twist, and gives the reader some excitement.
Bonus: 2/5
1. You continued your story for a long time. I wouldn’t be able to do that.
2. You sort of communicated with the readers.Total: 63/100

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I hope this doesn’t offend you. I just want to help you :) I hope you’ll be a better writer once you grow up.